JNANA MATA PUJYA SRI
KRISHNABAI
By V.Ganesan
“Whatever
the means, the destruction of the sense of ‘I’ and ‘mine’ is the goal, and as
these are interdependent, the destruction of either of them causes the
destruction of the other; therefore in order to achieve that state of silence
which is beyond thought and word, either the path of knowledge which removes
the sense of ‘I’ or the path of Devotion which removes the sense of ‘mine’ will
suffice.”
– Sri Bhagavan, Spiritual
Instructions Ch 1. Q. 11
***
“Earnest seekers who see the Enlightened One and worship him with all
the three instruments (mind, speech and body) in unison, offering him with
heart-melting love, sweet-smelling sandal paste, fruits, flowers, incense, good
water to bathe, clothes and food, will thus attain liberation...”
– Sri Bhagavan, Devikalottara, v. 83-4
***
It was the first time that I was going to another spiritual institution!
Carrying within my heart the sacred instruction of my teacher TKS: meet Sri
Swami Ramdas, like an arrow I darted straight towards him yet Anandashram, in
Kanhangad, Kerala
State
Pujya Papa, Swami Ramdas, was in a room seated on an easy chair with his
legs stretched on a stool in front of him. I prostrated to him and put my head
on his sacred feet; and when I raised my head, still reclining, I saw Papa
holding his right hand up, his fingers pointing at something. Since I was
immersed in happiness, by merely touching his holy feet, I did not make any
effort to see what he was pointing at. “If you want to say something to me,
come tomorrow morning at 7:00 here and we shall talk it over. Now, go and take
rest!” said Papa in his most sweet voice.
The next morning before 6:45 am, I was seated along inside that room,
waiting for Pujya Papa to enter. Out of curiosity I was allowing myself the
luxury of inspecting the room. All around, the walls looked clean, clear and
bright; and there were no photos or calendars hung, except a photo of Sri Bhagavan,
right up on the wall opposite to where Papa was seated. I was thrilled to
realise that Papa was directing his attention towards it while I was
prostrating to him; I remembered what my teacher TKS reverentially told me
about Papa that he got his realisation in the presence of Sri Bhagavan; and
here I see Papa having in his room the only picture of Bhagavan! While I was
drenching myself in such thoughts of euphoria, Papa came in. There was no one
else in the room. He looked at me enquiringly and I said: “Swami! I want to
talk to you on very personal matters!” Even before I could complete my
narration, Sri Papa, with all kindness, but very quickly uttered: “Then, you
should go to Mataji. She will deal with you!” He thus, with one of his
glorious, famous smiles, dismissed me.
My usual reservation of not putting counter-questions to sages and
saints, did not permit me to ask Papa who Mataji was; and I came out of the
room, a little puzzled/ Swami Satchidanandaji, who was at that time coming
towards the room, hurriedly asked me: “What did Papa tell you?” I told him that
he dismissed me so very quickly by asking me to go to Mataji. I then asked him:
“Swami! Who is Mataji?” He was greatly surprised: “Don’t you know? Pujya Mother
Sri Krishnabai is Mataji! Come, I will take you to her!”
The very first darshan of Pujya Mataji sent quivers of joy in me! I
didn’t know (and, no one told also) at that time that Pujya Mataji was a saint
herself. I was to know about it only later. So, the experience of sanctity,
serenity and saintliness in her presence that I felt was not my mental
projection, but was pouring out from her in a most natural way! I am making a
specific mention of this only to confirm to fresh seekers that divinity,
sanctity, saintliness, sagehood do exist in these extraordinary personalities,
independently of one’s apperceiving it with thoughts based on information
derived from books or from fellow-seekers.
Pujya Mataji was not well. One, Dr. Leelavati, who was attending her,
was with her. Swamiji introduced me to Mataji. Mataji looked at me with all
affection, love and compassion and said: “Child! What can I do for you?” I
replied: “Mataji! I have problems and I want you to help me!”
She looked surprised ad said: “Then, why did you come to me? You should
have gone to Pujya Papa...” Now, it was my turn to be surprised! I felt, ‘What
is this? Are they playing football with me!’ Thus, in a feeble voice, I said,
“But, Mataji! It was Pujya Papa who sent me specifically to you!” She asked:
“What did he say?” I repeated what Papa had told me: “Then, you should go to
Mataji. She will deal with you”.
I saw a pleasant but tremendous change coming over Pujya Mataji. She
became still, almost silent and stood like a rock for a few moments, and then
uttered those glorious words of ‘abhayam’ (acceptance): “Oh! Pujya Papa has
said so and sent you to me. That means I have to take complete charge of you.
The entire responsibility of yours has thus been entrusted to me. Yes! I am
taking you over!” For some time, a steady flow of silence permeated all around.
Coming back to her normal poise, she said, “Now, I am not well. So, come here
at 4:00 in the evening, when I would be taking a walk in the same place. Then,
we shall talk.” Mataji turned to Dr. Leelavathi and told her to promptly be
there at that time to act as the interpreter between us.
Sharp at 4:00 o’clock I was in the long hall. Pujya Mataji too entered
the hall along with Dr. Leelavati. I prostrated to Mataji and knelt in front of
her, and said: “Mataji! I want to talk to you on personal matters.” Mataji
looked down at me, with love and asked me: “Do you understand my Malayalam? I
can understand if you talk to me in Tamil. So, Leelavati, you may go!”
After she left we both were alone in that long hall; and it is my great
good fortune that Pujya Mataji condescended to my level and spoke to me for
more than an hour!” The importance and the content of that talk cannot be and
should not be gauged by the duration of passage of time alone. It had
far-reaching significances! My life-course was given an entirely different turn
and I turned a new leaf, by the gracious blessings on of Pujya Mataji!
Still kneeling before Pujya Mataji, I saw her moon-like, peace-showering
face, turn to me: “Now, child! Tell me, what is your problem?” The powerful,
yet homely presence of Mataji over-whelmed me, with awe and ecstasy and hence
it took some time for me to gather all my faculties to open my mouth. “Mataji!
I have come away from the world to the austere life an Ashram for good. I took
the decision myself. And I am confident now that I would stick to it, at all
costs. But, I have two deep doubts: 1. One is, I am now 24 years old, hale and
healthy, the body and mind are in excellent conditions, now, I am very firm
that I do not want any of the pleasures that money, property, position, power
and sex can offer me. I have not an iota of doubt about it at all. But, after
10 year, after 15 years, I do not know whether I will continue to have such complete
hold on my bodily and mental conditions. So, I want to know whether may having
chosen the path to lead a spiritual life is correct or not. If not, I would now
itself switch back to the life of the world, instead of going back to it after
so many years. I pray, Mataji, please give me a clear direction, in this
regard. The second is, having come to live in the Ashram, and having taken to
Sadhana, so early in life, I sought the advice and guidance of the senior
devotees of Sri Bhagavan, living in and around the Ashram, to tell me what
should be the mode of my Sadhana. Each one advised me differently. One said,
learn Sanskrit, another, sit in meditation in the old hall for an hour in the
morning and in the evening, yet another, chant the Vedas along with the Veda
Pathashala boys; a very strange suggestion also, go away from the Ashram;
wander all over India, meet sages and saints; remaining inside an institution
amounts to the bird with wings enclosing itself inside its mother’s nest, etc.
Etc. When they were telling me I knew
very well that they were very sincere while giving it to me. Yet, Mataji! None
of them went in. Not that I was resisting them, but not one of them got
assimilated into my system. The puzzle continues. So, Mataji! I want you to
guide me as to the nature of Sadhana that I have to seriously adhere and
observe, if your answer to my first question is ‘yes’!”
Pujya Mataji seemed very pleased, since while listening to me, all the
time, her most beautiful face was glowing and she showered on me a nectar-like
smile. She bent down and touched my head; and said: “Child! I bless you! In the
very beginning itself, I want to correct you, correct your understanding. Your
understating is raised on the wrong foundation. Rectify it now itself, in my presence.
So that you can follow rightly what I am going to tell you. You repeatedly
said: “I have chosen, I have come away” while talking about your taking to
Sadhana and an Ashram life. Have complete faith and conviction that it is not
you who has chosen the spiritual course, but it has been chosen by the Lord.
You have no other choice but implicitly obey it and follow it! With this basic,
right foundation of conviction, listen to me. You are on the right track only.
Yet, since you need an assurance, I guarantee that you will succeed in your
Sadhana course, and you will swerve from the path till you attain the goal. I
will guide you and protect you. Pujya Papa has invested me with that duty; you
don’t worry! Go ahead, never look back!”
After some time, she continued: “As for your second question, it is no
wonder none of the advises given by others gelled with you, for the simple
reason that none of them were meant to be your mode of Sadhana! Your Sadhana is
to get back all the old devotees of Bhagavan who had all moved out and are away
from the Ashram after Sri Bhagavan’s Maha Nirvana. They are all scattered to
many outside towns, cities and places. You beseech them, convince them that the
abode of the Master alone is their place of stay henceforth; and thus, successfully
bring them inside the Ashram. Then, look after them, make their stay
comfortable, and thus attend on them, one-pointedly. They have all sacrificed
their personal lives of comfort, power, position and pleasures for the sake of
living in the proximity and at holy feet of Bhagavan. Now, you should extend to
them, with respect, love and tender care, all these. This is your Sadhana. Do
it diligently.” She took a break and rested a while. But, my mind in that split
second manufactured a thought: “Yes, I will render this service willingly to
the old devotees. But, how about my spiritual practices?”
Pujya Mataji gave me a mischievous smile and again stoked the hair on my
head and said, “I know! While you are prepared to do all these, your mind
raises the question: ‘what about my spiritual Sadhana?’ isn’t it? When you do this precious service to the old
devotees, one-pointedly, joyously, diligently and continuously, all the stages
in your Sadhana at the appropriate times, will get fulfilled automatically. You
don’t worry over it. That is my responsibility. I have taken full charge of
you, and as such I will be guiding you, through and through!”
Again there was a break. And, again, my mind quickly milled over the
thought: “We both will soon be separated by hundreds of miles. She cannot come
to Arunachala, and I don’t think, I don’t know whether I could come again to
Anandashram. How is she going to guide
me, in my day-to-day life, which I felt was very essential to me at that fluid
state of my Sadhana”. Like a lightening, she pounced on me, as it were, of
course with great compassion: “You doubt how could I guide you when you would
be placed far away from me. Poor child! Have faith. My guidance will protect
you throughout your life. You will yourself realise this as time moves on.
Anyhow, for your immediate understanding I shall explain as to how I will guide
you. If anyone comes to you and advices you, unasked by you, take it that that
advice comes from me. Likewise, if something is taken away from you, unasked,
even if it be your thought, born of total conviction, don’t resist it, for, it
is I who will be removing it from you. I will do both these for the betterment
of you and for your spiritual ascendency. Now, I also want to show you, I want
to give you a fore taste of what I am going to do for you. Do you have any
rupee notes with you?” I took out Rs.100/- currency note. She continued: “Hold
it in front of your face. From now on, you will not have the impact of money
value. While mathematically you will know its value, etc. intrinsically I am,
right now, wiping out from your system, its grip over you. You will, thus, not
be corrupted by money power!” I instantaneously felt it drop away from me. Till
today, I do not possess the capacity to know the real worth of money power. It
is true! Mataji was so great a healer, too!
She walked a little, and again, came to me and said, “I have answered
your questions. Now, I want to tell you something of myself. This is to put you
in the right track of successful Sadhana. Listen to it carefully!”
I was thrilled that the sacred Mataji had condescended to my level and
was going to guide me – what a precious and proud privilege! I still feel that
it was purely Sri Bhagavan’s Grace on me that enabled me to deserve the supremely
important words of Wisdom and practical guidance that poured forth from Pujya
Mataji. I am blessed, indeed!
The Holy Mother continued: “Sadhana is not a means to an end, a means to
a goal. It is both the means and the goal. To begin with, as in sports coaching,
wherein initially the pupil is told ‘not to do this’, ‘not to hit the ball
outside the court’ – all only to focus the pupil, here also, initially Sadhana
is introduced to the seeker as a ‘means’ towards the goal. Since the goal
itself is already there, that is, your own Self, how can there exist another
‘goal’, other than the one who is striving? So, the Sadhana is merely an
initiation to plunge within and be the ‘goal’. That is why it is said: ‘The
beginning itself is the end’. The Self in its assumed state of ignorance, it
should do Sadhana to attain a goal of Perfection. Sages also go along with such
ignorant Sadhakas and say, ‘Yes, Yes, go ahead. Be studious in your Sadhana.
Then only you will attain the goal!’ It is all God’s Leela! So, be serious with
your Sadhana – it is the beginning, end and the fulfilment of your life’s
crowning glory!”
“Learn to use only positive terms. Even for fun, don’t use negative
terms, like, ‘No’, ‘I wouldn’t’, ‘I can’t’, ‘Never’, etc. Be conscious and use
an alternative, positive expression. Instead of saying ‘I can’t do it’, try to
say, ‘I will do it tomorrow’. Negativity in any form, is the realm of the mind;
it always pulls you down, gradually but definitely. In positivity, acceptance and responsibility
are thrust on you. People, usually, shin taken burdens. A spiritual aspirant
should be prepared, at all times, to own responsibility, for, the whole purpose of creation is for the Lord to play
His Leela. Be a part of it! Take positive attitude and use only positive
answers and terms – be vigilant about it. Such adherence to positivity will, in
the natural course, build in your strength, humility, simplicity and
perseverance – the essential qualities to progress inwardly ahead towards the
Truth.”
“Never look back to the past. Always be in the move. Likewise, don’t be
endlessly planning or dreaming about the future. Trust the Guru. Have faith in
the Path that you have been blessed with. Pay all attention to the Sadhana.
Sadhana is done ever only in the now
– be conscious of this important instruction. Past thoughts and future desires
intrude onto the ‘now’ and rob you away from peacefully plunging into Sadhana –
be it ‘Japa’ or ‘Atma Vichara’ or ‘Puja’ or ‘Parayana’ – all these are done
only in the ‘now’! While in the ‘now’, i.e. while doing any of these Sadhanas,
never allow the memory-thought or the desire-thought to interfere. When a
vacuum is created, the nature’s law is that air should rush in and fill it up,
instantaneously. Similarly, when through total attention on Sadhana one is
plunged in the ‘now’, which is equivalent to creating a vacuum, since the ‘now’
is ever devoid of the contents of memory and desires, these ‘outsiders’,
‘intruders’ of past and future thoughts force themselves into the ‘now’. That
is why Sadhakas are ever faced with the apparent insurmountable struggle of
being invaded by thoughts, especially when one progresses in Sadhana. Guru’s
Grace alone will help the true Sadhaka to win over the ‘invaders’ and remain in
the silence of the ‘now’. Therefore, before sitting for meditation, prostrate
to your Guru, take to His Name and pray for His blessings, Protection and
Guidance and then plunge into Self-Enquiry – Guru, Guru and Guru alone is – you are not!
Be always generous. The giver is ever God only. No human being is
capable of producing any of the life-giving commodities. From this you should
understand clearly that Giver is God alone. Such clarity will equip you with
the inner strength to give away things and more importantly, you yourself not to
cling to material objects. By assuming this attitude of positive ‘giving’, one
of the stoutest obstacles in the progress of Sadhana – attachment – is
triumphed over, with effortless ease! Take delight in giving, generously. All
religions, therefore, preach charity and giving alms as vital virtues. Be
conscious of the need to be generous as one of the most important traits for
progress in Sadhana.”
“Accept things as they come. Lead a simple life. By this, I do not
advocate austerity. At your young age, you should enjoy life in its wholeness.
Do as you please, but with the string – ‘Will Mataji approve of this?’ –
attached to every one of your desires. This will help you decide for yourself,
without a hitch, whether the desire is to be fulfilled or to be rejected. Try
to live from the heart and not merely through the head. Remember, the intellect
acts merely as a safety-valve; it helps to reject the unreal, thus preventing
calamities, disasters – that’s all. It can never lead you to the reality.
Whereas if you follow your heart, you will never falter, for, it is the inner
voice! Its dictates are based on Compassion, Love, Tolerance and Sacrifice.
Intellect will urge you to always be the winner, the gainer; heart will embrace
you even of you are a loser in upholding noble causes. Be a loser, never aspire
to be a gainer, for, the eternal law is that it is those how lose that will
ultimately gain!”
“Since you are related to the Maharshi, the greatest Jnani of our times,
people will try to brainwash you, saying, ‘Seven generations before and seven
generations after the Jnani is born in the family, all will get Liberation,
automatically!’ Don’t believe it. The whole humanity is the family of a Jnani.
Without doing Sadhana no one will attain Self-Realisation – be firm about this.
Being born in the family of a Jnani is most certainly efficacious –people will
respect you, adorn you with material things, praise you, adore you, even
worship you. Bit, remember, none of these will take you even an inch forward in
your inward journey towards the attainment of Self-Realisation. Be ever
conscious of this simple truth – this will save you from the biggest pitfall,
as you are associated with the Mahatma’s blood-family.
Refrain from projecting yourself as ‘somebody’. No one need know that
you are a seeker. Look normal; do Sadhana unknown to the eyes of others. Keep
it as a secret and preserve it as a precious jewel. Has not Sri Bhagavan said,
‘There are no others’? It means that you alone count as far as Sadhana is
concerned. The Guru knows the sincerity and the depth of your Sadhana; what
other forms of recognition should you seek? The Guru guides you both from
outside and inwardly. No other aids are necessary. Nothing but Sadhana should
matter to you. To preserve the purity of the progress one needs this
defence-mechanism of not to project oneself and thus parade oneself in front of
others as a spiritual seeker. Become nothing, be nobody. When you thus empty
yourself, it is easy for the Guru to come and occupy your heart, thereby guiding you from within,
which is the mark of ultimate progress in one’s spiritual elevation! Has not
Sri Bhagavan repeatedly affirmed: ‘Be simple, be humble and be natural’? These
three stupendously noble traits a true seeker should aspire for and be rooted
in, ever!”
Finally, I want to assure you that you ‘Sat-Guru’ is Bhagavan Sri Ramana
Maharshi. You are fortunate to have the greatest Jnani as your Guru. Hold on to
Him, cling to His Holy Feet, very firmly. Never swerve away from Him. Never go
searching for any other Guru. In your case, it is totally ruled out. Be aware
of it, inwardly. If you really get rooted to your Sat-Guru, it will be His duty
to make you ripen, spiritually. It can also be by His sending you to learn from
other Masters. You yourself do not make any effort to go to other Masters. You
will be taken to other Master
when the need in the progress of your inward ripeness rises – but, it is not
your concern. Unasked you will be led to other Masters; don’t resist any such
move when it occurs. Once you have totally surrendered to the Sat-Guru, He
guides you through and through. Who do you think has sent you here? It is Sri
Bhagavan alone! Is Pujya Papa other than Bhagavan? Why did Papa send you to me?
Who is Krishnabai but Pujya Bhagavan? Has not Sri Bhagavan clarified this point
by saying, ‘There are no Jnanis; there is only Jnanam’? Only Jnanam
counts. To make it blossom in the disciple, the same Jnanam appearing as Sat-Guru, seems to take him to other
Masters, who all are also nothing but Jnanam
only! But, when you yourself make efforts to ‘go’ to Masters, you will see them
only as ‘bodies’. But when the Sad-Guru sends you to Masters, you will see Jnanam only and will receive
from them also, as blessings, the Jnanam
only. It is the ‘process’ to ripen you, even without your knowing it,
consciously! Sometimes, the Sat-Guru’s workings are mysterious; but, be assured
that always it is for your spiritual advancement!”
“The Guru is all important. But, who is the Guru? Not just the body, the person whom you see with your
eyes as Guru. The Teaching is the
Teacher, the Guru. Preserve this secret deeply imbedded in your heart
as the most precious treasure. I bless you, Child! You are already blessed by
Pujya Bhagavanji and by Pujya Papa. Be assured, my protection, guidance and
blessings on you are always there!”
Like a honey-bee coming out of a lotus flower after having its fill, I
got up in all joy and freshness, and repeatedly prostrated to Pujya Mataji. The
nectar that poured forth from her holy mouth, though very precious, could be
understood by me in its depth and purity only slowly, as I began to experience
every sentence of hers coming true in my life of inward journey towards the
Self! I returned to Arunachala, after a few days’ stay at peace-filled
‘Anandashram’. While taking leave, both Pujya Papa and Pujya Mataji blessed me
profusely.
***
I want to record, for the benefit of the seekers, an important incident
that took place, during my stay there. Pujya Mataji had instructed me that I should
follow and accompany Pujya Papa wherever he was moving, walking, sitting or
conducting Satsang, thereby imbibing his grace, during my stay at the Ashram.
That day, there was a small gathering underneath the Panchavati (Five Trees)
and Papa was conducting a Satsang. A seeker put a question: “Papa! I have been
doing Sadhana studiously for the past three years. I am happy and fortunate
that I came under your protective influence! I have no complaints at all. I am
fully satisfied with what I accomplish in my Sadhana. Yet, there is one doubt.
Without any reason for it, sometimes, I get deeply depresses. That is, there is
no external cause, like somebody’s death, loss of property or non-fulfilment in
Sadhana – none of these cause these depressions. Since the depression occurs of
its own, I do not know how to tackle it. Also, please tell me why should it
happen when there is no apparent reason for it to occur?”
Pujya Papa gave a sweet smile and told him: “When such an unmotivated
depression occurs to a Sadhaka, forthwith he should take up a book on a Saint –
it doesn’t matter whether the Saint belonged to the East or the West – and
start reading it. Then, the depression which came obtrusively will also get
dissolved imperceptibly. But, at those moments of causeless depression, one should not read the Saint’s
teaching portion therein. These intrusions of the apparent depression are, for
some Sadhakas, part of their Sadhana, viz. the process of exhaustion of their
past karma; and as such, the seekers should not ponder too much over it. The
mere reading of the life of a saint is the sure panacea for its removal!”
***
It is amazing to me to look back and now realise, how for 27 years,
after I have so graciously initiated into my mode of Sadhana by Pujya Mataji, I
had no necessity to go back to Pujya Mataji seeking any form of clarification
in her Divine Upadesa! This
is, perhaps, the proof – if at all any proof is necessary – to gauge the spiritual
strength and potentiality of a true Saint!
I honestly admit that I too meticulously followed her course of
guidance, without a single thought of any form of resistance or any form of
blockage, obstacle. Everything moved so smoothly and so well that there was not
a single failure or disappointment in all the efforts. That is, on my return to
Sri Ramanasramam, I started gathering details, slowly but steadily, of where
all the old devotees were scattered. Like a planned programme, I executed the
whole scheme, without telling anyone, including my father who was the Ashram
President under whom I was working, the instructions imparted to me by Pujya
Mataji. I fortunately, deeply felt that most of the organisers of any spiritual
institution are parochial in their outlook in such matters. Especially, when
Sri Ramanasramam was at a very low ebb, financially, adding inmates would not,
naturally, had been welcomed by the management. More so, for the placid reason
that all these old devotees were either basically poor or they were Sadhus!
By the guiding presence of Pujya Mataji, I could succeed, within the
course of a few decades, nearly forty old devotees to be brought in as inmates
of Sri Ramanasramam. It is purely her grace that I could look after them and to
the best of my ability and capacity, fulfil their needs, which were naturally
few and far between. Rooms were built, servants were recruited, medical aids
were provided; and, most essentially, to support all these, sufficient inflow
of donations was to be constantly looked into and attended on! In spite of
resistance from some corners of the administration, oft and on, I could
successfully look after them, well too! In openly revealing these, I honestly
admit that I am doing it not to gloat over myself, but to bring out the
greatness of the guiding words of a Mahatma! While offering my prostrations to
Pujya Mataji for guiding me through and
through, I also offer my salutations wholeheartedly to those few friends who
were always helpful to me, supporting me and extending unflinching assistance
to me, in an all round manner, all these years; obviously, I could not have
achieved it alone! Forty to fifty great men and great women devotees I would
have looked after, in their last days. Thus, my duty included caring for them
during their illness and when they dropped their bodies, carrying their bodies
on my shoulders (with others helping me) to cremation ground and arrange for
either the burning or the burial of those sacred bodies which had had the
golden privilege of remaining, drenching in the Divine Presence of Beloved
Bhagavan! Every time, I thanked sincerely Sri Bhagavan, Pujya Mataji, the
deceased great Bhaktas and all those who helped me! Annamalaikkku Arohara
(Absorbed in Arunachala!
In 1987, I visited ‘Anandashram’ for an extremely short stay; so, my
meetings with Pujya Mataji were brief and uneventful. I received her blessings
in abundance. Those were the days I was overburdened with a calamitous
‘Printing Press problem’, the details of which I narrate in another chapter on
the great Siddha Purusha, Sri Yogi Ramsuratkumar (who is a direct disciple of
Pujya Papa and Pujya Mataji).
The same Maha Purusha, in 1989, in another mysterious circumstance,
directed me to immediately go to Anandashram and be with Pujya Mataji, as long
as she wanted me to be with her, as, he said, she was on her death-bed and that
she was calling me there! I left for Anandashram the same night.
When I reached the inside premises of Anandashram, Sri Swami
Satchidanandaji, who was standing underneath the Panchavati, with a joyous
facial expression, was repeating aloud to himself: “Now, I understand! Now, I
do understand!” I went and prostrated to him and demanded what he had
understood. He said: “Mataji has been telling me, both mornings and evening,
for the past one week, ‘Ganesha is coming! Ganesha is coming!’ I was replying
to her, ‘No, Mataji! Ganesha cannot come. He is definitely not coming!’ She
would insist: ‘No! You do not know, but I do know. Ganesha is coming!’ I used
to leave it at that. Now I understand that she was only predicting on your
coming here. I was under the impression that Mataji was talking of her son,
Ganesha. He is in a mental hospital, Pune, aged 70 years; and will not be
released from the hospital unless a requisition letter went from Mataji. As
such, I was positive that that Ganesha cannot come at all. How ignorant we are
with our collected knowledge and how wise saints are! How madly we cling to and
assert of what little we know! Come, come! We will go and meet Mataji!”
Mataji was bed-ridden and very seriously ill. Darshan was restricted to
an hour alone in the morning, when all are allowed to see her forming
themselves into a queue. Other than that, men were disallowed to go to her, as
most of the time Mataji was simply covered with a thin cloth; only ladies were
attending on her.
When we entered, after giving sufficient advance notice, Mataji welcomed
us with a remarkably glorious smile! Sri Swami Satchidanandaji bent towards her
and apologised to her, first; and then said that he could understand now what
she was telling him every day throughout the week. “I am glad you have
understood it. Stay always in a state of learning!” She turned to me, and said:
“Child! Stay here. Take rest. Come every morning and sit where I can see you!”
I was in tears, for, I could not bear to see Mataji’s body so emaciated, pale
and thin. She blessed me by touching my head. What a great boon of blessings,
for so small an effort of mine, of travelling a few hundred miles! Next morning
when I entered her room, I noticed Mataji had already put a comfortable stool
for me to sit on, near her Holy Feet, so that lying down itself she could see
me, all the time. When I tried to sit down, feeling within me as to how could I
sit on par with Mataji’s bed height, Mataji insisted that I should sit only on
the stool! Every day, when I entered, she would strain herself to see whether
the stool was there. She gave me the instruction that I should observe
everything happening around and thus be watchful and aware, all the time of my
stay with her. It was exceptionally kind and gracious of Mataji to have
directed me thus, for, so many things happened which were all very useful and
instructive to me. I just narrate only one them for the benefit of Sadhakas.
A young, bright youth, along with his mother came one day and told
Mataji: “I am working as an engineer in a good firm in Bangalore
Naturally, she should have known that I knew two other similar instances
already! That is how I would like to interpret Pujya Mataji lifting her head
and smiling at me! Therefore, I feel that they too have to be recorded here,
for the benefit of seekers.
1. A wealthy Nattukottai Chettiar came to the great saint of south India,
Sri Kanchi Shankaracharya and told him that he was initiated into the hoary Panchakshra Mantra: Om Nama Shivaya: by
three different great Sannyasins, at three different occasions. And, that he is
sincerely doing the Japa of it, did not bring him any benefit at all. He
pleaded with the saint that he be given a fresh Mantra, for, he believed
totally only in Japa Marga.
The Acharya told him that he would give him the initiation the next day and
that he should come prepared for that, which indicated, apart from bringing in
the materials for such initiation ceremony, his attitude to preparedness to
accept it with one-pointedness well. The next day the initiation took place.
The Acharya said: “The Shankaracharya of the Kamakoti Peetham is now initiating
you into this Mantra. Receive it with all reverence.” The Mantra given was Om Nama Shivya! The Chettiar
received it with all reverence and in complete attention that it started
working on him, instantaneously. This Chettiar, we are told, later became a
great Japa Yogi!
2. There was a reputed traditional Ayurvedic physician in Kerala, who was
not only respected as an excellent physician, but also revered as a Saint in
his region, for his upright character, undivided application to his profession
and effecting an almost one hundred per cent cure to all diseases! His name was
Dr. Moos (He came and examined Sri Ramana Maharshi’s cancer in His arm and openly
expressed thus: “The body of a Jnani is not subject to the laws of ordinary
nature. I know I can cure this disease on anyone else, but I can’t even presume
to cure a Jnani’s physical ailment, for, its appearance has multi-dimensional
reasons. Sri Bhagavan knows best. He has to cure Himself!” After he had left,
Bhagavan complimented Dr. Moos, as “a man of true knowledge” and “he knew what
he spoke”! One day, a patient came to him, writhing intensely in stomach pain.
He told the doctor that he had gone even to England West Bengal ; and that all their treatments did not cure
him. Dr. Moos examined his pulse and gave him a particular Arishtham
(medicine). Seeing that, with great disappointment, the patient reacted,
saying: “Oho! This is the same medicine, all these doctors in these three
states had advocated to me. No! It doesn’t work, at all!” Dr. Moos, in a tone
filled with authority, power and conviction, commanded: “I, Dr. Moos, am now
giving you this medicine. This will cure your. Stay for three days here. Now,
take the Arishtham, first dose, in my presence!” The patient was cured
completely, within those three days!
***
Pujya Mataji Made me stay for a full two months, at ‘Anandashram’, with
her. During that period, so many absorbing things happened! Of course, every
day, the morning darshan of an hour’s proximity to Pujya Mataji was my elixir!
During the early part of my stay, the Navarathri festival was being observed
and joyously celebrated all over India
When I reached the Bhajan Hall, I was there inside, a chair tied to two
long polls and devotees were talking among themselves excitedly. From one of
them I came to know that Pujya Mataji, who is all the time bed-ridden, suddenly
expressed that she wanted to visit Pujya Papa’s Samadhi and pay her homage
there. Since doctors had very strictly prohibited her walking, Sri Swami
Satchidanandaji had suggested to carry her on the chair. She smiled at me and
there were eight of us. She turned to me and said that I should be in the front
(the exact position that I used to occupy while carrying the idol of Mother
Yogambal, at Sri Ramanasramam!) We all joyously carried her on our shoulders
out of the Hall.
I was in ecstasy since I clearly saw the Divine Hands of Pujya Mataji
behind this extraordinarily compassionate act to fulfil a simple need of mine!
On the way, when people held out the umbrella over Pujya Mataji, she said,
“Hold it over Ganesha. He is getting drenched!” When I heard my name being
mentioned, uttered by Mataji, I trained to turn back to her and looked at her,
with eyes full of gratitude and joy. She smiled at me and raised her hand by
way of blessing me! The acts of Saints are supremely compassionate! Never
before or never after, Pujya Mataji ever sat one chair and asked others to
carry it on their shoulders! For me, there was no doubt that she was doing that
only to appease my longing, on that day, that I should carry the Holy Mother on
my shoulders. What a blessing to me that I could happily and joyously carry my
Sacred Mother – Mother Yogambal – in flesh and blood, on my shoulders! I should
definitely have accrued great punya (merit) in my hundreds of past loves to
have this one single act of Grace to descend on me, thereby blessing me! No one
else, till now, know why Pujya Mataji acted as she did on that sacred day; nor,
did I dare even vaguely or indirectly express to any one that she was doing it
for my sake! The relationship between the Saint and the devotee is indefinable
– anything can happen, at any time; but, one thing is sure that the tilt of
benefit is always more towards the devotee! This incident I cherish in my
heart, as an extraordinarily special conference of intense blessings on me by
Pujya Mataji.
Another interesting anecdote about Pujya Mataji, I want to share with
the seekers. I feel it is important, since it brings out the value and beauty
and purport of the need for the seekers to read the reminiscences of and
incidents connected with the Sages and Saints. Ever occurrence in a Saint’s
life is a ‘sign post’ for the seeker to either rectify his own flaws or to build
up his virtues, based on those incidents. Each one of them, thus, is filled
with great significance. For those who would find those reminiscences as not
applicable to them, would at least have good and interesting reading! Such
reading is not a wastage of time, as it would only energise them, When ‘time; dissipates
one’s energy, the seeker could be sure that ‘mind’ had predominated, head had
ruled anarchically. These readings full the heart with contentment, where time
is said to stand still. Contentment, love, compassion – are all pure spiritual
traits, since ‘time’ could not play a part therein, i.e., mind is inoperative.
Where one’s mind is active in its divisive displays, ‘time’ rules supreme,
flooding in elements of disappointment, disagreement, hate, anger, sorrow,
jealousy, bitterness and this, a total sense of having being lost! The readings
on Saints and their compassion-oriented actions, definitely bring on only a
sense of full contentment, a sense of not having wasted ‘time’!
During my long stay at ‘Anandashram’, Sri Swami Madhurananda, a
friendly, cordial and affectionate inmate of the Ashram, was taking good care
of me. He also has a melodious voice and was the mainstay of the singing
section of the Ashram, for decades. During the free times, he would repeatedly
ask me to tell him stories and incidents of Sri Ramana Maharshi. I obliged him
for a few days. Another inmate (at that time) of the Ashram was Sri Sashikala
of Secunderabad, a young ad sophisticated lady. She was close to Pujya Mataji.
It was she who was allowed by Mataji to give her food and also attend to some
of her personal needs. Mataji had guided her from her childhood; one of the
strict injunctions to her by Mataji was that she should abstain totally from
talking to men; and, if it was unavoidable due to practical pressures, then,
she should not, while talking to them, look at their faces! Perhaps, Swami
Madhurananda and Swami Satchidanandaji were exceptions, granted by Mataji
herself. Whatever I was narrating to Swami Madhurananda, he went and told her.
Sri Sashikala, in her turn, was narrating all the anecdotes to Mataji, while
giving her food. On the fourth day, Mataji told Sri Sashikala that instead of
her getting the stories via Swami Madhurananda, she should fix up a time with
me and hear the stories herself and daily narrate them to her while serving
lunch. Swami Madhurananda arranged it in such a
way, daily, at a particular hour in the morning, I would go to her
cottage. The chairs were arranged in odd positions that each of us need not
look at the other, though we were seated quite close-by.
One day, due to some pre-occupation, Sri Sashikala could not listen to
my narration; and the session was dropped. When she went to feed Mataji, she
refused to eat the lunch without a Ramana-story! From next day onwards our
session continued, in the morning, uninterruptedly.
The very next day, Sri Sashikala would tell me that beautiful reaction
of Pujya Mataji for the previous day’s Ramana-story. I was told that Pujya
Mataji always called Sri Bhagavan as her ‘grandfather’, while Pujya Papa ever
remained as her ‘father’. Thus, Mataji’s devotion to Sri Bhagavan truly was
ever deep. After these story-sessions, Mataji started seeing Sri Bhagavan,
quite often, in her room. On some days when she was suffering from acute
illness, she openly said that her ‘grandfather’ was very kind to her and was
all the time with her, consoling her and even healing her! Swami
Satchidanandaji told me that one day when Mataji was in a ‘danger’ condition,
he rushed to her room. He said that she shouted at him, saying: “Satchidananda!
Where were you? Look, my grandfather has come, and He is standing, with His
stick and kamandalu, outside the room. Rush, go, invite Him inside the room.
Offer Him a comfortable seat! Take dull care of Him. Attend on Him! Don’t just
stand here! Go, Go!” When I went to her room, early in the morning, next day,
as usual, Mataji game be a benign smile and said: “You see! I told you that
Pujya Bhagavanji is my grandfather! Yesterday, when my health condition became
critical, Pujya Bhagavanji came, sat near me and healed me!” I was thrilled!
Who could gauge the real meaning behind those ‘words’ that the Saints so
fluently use! I could do only one normal thing – I got up and prostrated to
her! I felt the powerful presence of Sri Bhagavan in her own physical frame,
which, of course, was very fragile and was lying flat on the bed!
In the course of my story-sessions, one day I narrated to Sashikala, the
pronounced statement of Sri Bhagavan about food restrictions for true Sadhakas,
which, I am sure, will remain a permanent guidance to all aspiring seekers. Sri
Bhagavan usually ate like all other, whether food that was served on His
leaf-plate, at the dining hall. An attendant once put a question to Him as to
whether the rich food and varieties that were continuously being supplied at
the Ashram were conducive for Sadhana, Sri Bhagavan first retorted at him,
saying: “Why complain about anybody or about anything, especially food, easily
supplied to you? One is free to limit the quantity of in-take. Also if the
preparation was more spicily hot or more salty, add water to it, dilute it and
thus eat it, without a murmur. Never complain about food!” After a pass, He
condescended to t he level of the devotee and consolingly added: “For a true
seeker, doing Sadhana, a little rice and rasam (pepper water – melagutani) are
more than sufficient. Even a serious Sadhaka, occasionally needs, something
palatable. If he continues to eat only bland food, he may get food-aversion.
The tongue needs a little taste and the body-system needs a little nutrition
for sustenance. “Rasam’ which is wholly watery, also contains the essence of
the pulses, added with a little of spices and salt. Rice gives strength. That
is sufficient for a Sadhaka. In addition to this, whatever he eats will bring
about only ailments and diseases in the Sadhaka!”
I explained to Sashikala the subtle point, that Sri Bhagavan was both
the Teacher and also the taught, the Preacher and the preached. There was no
division. Simultaneously, the Saints could experience the states of these two
apparently different standings.
People who had watched Sri Bhagavan eat, told me that there was sheer
beauty in the way He ate. If the food items were many, He would mix up
everything and gulp it. Otherwise, would make a little rice on his plate, add
with Rasam or buttermilk, into a think pulp and spread it further and further
by adding more and more hot water and making all his right-hand fingers into a
spoon and scoop it and thus eat it! Never on His plate even a grain was seen as
left over. His eaten leaf-plate looked always fresh and unused! He knew the
culinary art almost to its perfection and in toto; he also knew unimaginable
remedies for foods that were wrongly cooked, like putting salt twice or thrice
into the boiling sambar; when, his remedy was followed no one could taste any
addition of salt in the dish, at all! Once when a particular Dhall, even after
hours of boiling, did not cook properly, he was asked for the remedy; and he
gave the remedy of adding a little oil to be thrown in! The cook was astonished
since the dhall soaked in oil would never cook well. But, within a few minutes,
the dhall was perfectly cooked! Sometimes, he would go into the kitchen and
help the cooks to prepare the varied items. He would partake with such
enthusiasm, any onlooker would feel as if he was a glutton and was so fond of
food! At the lunch time, when the cooks served the varieties of items, with
pride and satisfaction, he would mix them all up together and gulp it without
any expression of taste or enjoyment. One day, the cook could not control his
disappointment and blurted out: “Oh Bhagavan! How well you prepared them all,
pointing out to me how to enrich the delicacy to that particular dish if
such-n-such was added or such-n-such way was fried etc. Now, when the cooked
delicacies are being served to you, you mix them all up together and gulp it!
Is this the way to eat them?” Sri Bhagavan would, with compassion, look at the
cook, who had put in so many hours of hard work in preparing the delicacies and
say: “What to do? You all have taste in variety;
but I have only one taste! Ongalukkellaam binnattule ruchi, yenakku
abhinnattulethan ruche!” Also, on another occasion, when a similar
complaint was voiced, his reply was most revealing: “Am I eating only with this
one mouth. Am I not eating through the mouths of all those who ate?”
Another greatness of Sri Bhagavan was that while he knew very well that
a little rice and Rasam were enough for a Sadhaka, he never insisted that that
alone should be served in the Ashram. He subjected himself to the prevailing
condition, as if he were also equal to and one among them. Only a keen observer
could notice that he himself restricted the intake quantity to the minimum,
whatever the number and the delicacy of the preparation. Thus, he showed by
living whatever he preached was possible for all serious aspirants. This all
Sadhakas should observe, that is, one should not create any problems to those
who offer food, either an institution or mother or wife, or sister or friend!
Thus a Sadhaka can live anywhere, without any sort of friction! The emphasis
that Sri Bhagavan gave was always on the individual and never that much on the
social environmental conditions. In WHO AM I Sri Bhagavan says, “If
one’s mind is rendered non-wandering, one can live anywhere.” No disturbance
could be caused to any serious aspiring Sadhaka from external sources; and,
that everything rises only inwardly, which the Sadhaka should gain control
over, was his practical teaching!
***
At about 2:30 in the afternoon, I got a knock at my door and a lady was
offering me a big cup full of ‘Rasam’ saying: “Mataji wanted this to be
given to you. Please drink it.” I asked her what was the matter. She said: “Oh!
Every since Sashikala told Mataji the story about the Rasam, she refused to eat
the already prepared lunch and asked us to prepare the Rasam; and that she
would henceforth take only Rasam and rice, as advised by her grandfather! She
also wanted us to prepare a lot of Rasam, and it is being distributed to every
one of the inmate of the Ashram, just as I have brought it to you.” I was
thrilled – what immediate compliance and what great humility! No need to repeat
here that when I went to Mataji the next morning, her query to me was: “Did you
drink the rasam yesterday?”
This Rasam episode is a practical, useful and vital guidance for all
true seekers all over the world. Seekers in the West may not be able to get
rice and Rasam, but they can minimise their intake of food, without richness in
content. It can be a few slices of bread and a soup! But, here is a clear
instruction from Sri Bhagavan and fully approved and followed by revered Mataji
that matured sadhakas should not turn their full attention only to the practice
of Self-Enquiry or whatever is their mode of Sadhana, and consciously (to begin
with) refrain from paying too much attention towards richness and varieties in
food. Of course, one can occasionally indulge in the ‘luxury’ and ‘distraction’
of varied food in unavoidable parties given by friends or when guests arrive at
home, or on holiday trips etc.
Pujya Mataji made me stay with her for two full months. My father had
sent her a letter requesting her to send me back. She asked me to go back. The
next day when I went to her presence, she asked me: “I feel you want to say
something to me Child! Please go ahead, tell me.” I was moved to tears since I
was reluctant to do so, though I was longing to do, taking her ill-heath into
consideration. She was so great, she could understand any predicament and
condescend to permit me to do so.
I gathered all my energies and still was struggling to talk. Since I was
sitting a little away from Pujya Mataji, she motioned me to come nearer. She
touched my head. This gave me confidence. I said: “Mataji! More than
twenty-five years ago, you were gracious to me by giving me the commandment of
guidance as how my future Sadhana-life should be conducted. You protected me
and guided me through and through, as assured specifically by you, then. There
arose no need for me to come to you for either additional personal guidance or
any sort of clarification thereof. Everything went off very smoothly and
objectively. You thus proved literally true that from hundreds of miles away
you could guide me with meticulous care and details! I obeyed you; and, by your
grace, I could do things with the right understanding: ‘It is Pujya Mataji who
is guiding me to do this’. Without a tinge of arrogance and self-gloating, I
report the following: Sri Ramanasramam, which was in debts when I went for good
there, is now ‘very rich’. Due to the regular inflow of large donations, an
all-round improvement could successfully be effected. Many guest rooms and
guest houses have been built for the convenient stay of the Sadhakas. All important
manuscripts, lying in the archives, have been brought out in book-forms. The
Ashram journal THE MOUNTAIN PATH was started and through its pages, the name
and fame of Sri Bhagavan are well spread, all over the world. Old devotees were
requested to write down their reminiscences of Sri Bhagavan and most of them
have already been brought out as books, which are very popular with devotees.
Mataji! You especially commanded me to bring back all the old devotees
who had gone away from the Ashram, make them as inmates, look after them well
and attend on their needs. Now, I am in a happy position to report to Mataji
that nearly forty to fifty old devotees had been looked after, by keeping them
at the Ashram premises. Not only their physical needs were met, but in their
last days all medical care were bestowed on them. Along with others, I myself
carried their bodies, once they chose to drop their bodies, to the burial
ground and buried them or cremated them, as per their wishes. Only, tow more
old devotees are left. When they also attain the lotus feet of Sat-Guru Sri
Ramana, my work at the Ashram is completed. Henceforth, I want to totally
dedicate myself to inner Sadhana, dictated by Sri Bhagavan. I want to become a
‘nobody’ Mataji! Let me dissolve, disappear as an unknown entity, seriously
seeking the Truth. Any form of responsibility, I want to shun, for the only
reason for pursuing the Sadhana. Please bless me that I become absolutely free
– spiritually, mentally and physically!”
Mataji asked me to come still closer and took my head on her lap, and
said: “Who are the two devotees, who are fortunately still alive and how old
are they?” I replied: “One is Sri Kunji Swami and other is Sri Ramanaswamy
Pillai. The former is 96 years old and the latter is 97 years old! Both are
remarkably agile and healthy. I am very fond of them. I do not want them to
leave me. They are so precious!”
Pujya Mataji touched my head again and said, in a very firm tone: “My
child! I will grant you that state of Total Freedom. It is my responsibility!
But, there are a few things yet to be completed by you, through you. After
that, you will be free. Till then, be patient and attend to the work entrusted
to you. Face all problems with fortitude. Bear all forms of insults, acts of
ingratitude and deprivation – all these affectations would come; you have to
face. They will only strengthen you and prepare you well to pursue the arduous
Sadhana that you have chosen. Never lose heart. Remember! I am with you, all
the time! My blessings are fully on you! You are ever blessed by Pujya
Bhagavanji!”
I got up with immense emotion and repeatedly prostrated to Pujya Mataji.
My eyes were filled with tears, which prevented me from seeing that the most
beautiful divine form. I cried, with intense gratitude. I went into ecstasy
over the spiritual assurance given to me by Pujya Mataji.. She is, no doubt,
the Holy Mother, indeed!
From 989, when this inspiring conversation took place, to 1995, when I
was fully relieved of all my responsibilities, with regard to the Ashram
management, many things had to be fulfilled and accomplished by me – the words
of Mataji thus proved true!
Till 1995, things moved for me smoothly and there were no heart-burning
frictions, not even a hot argument! So, I didn’t understand why Pujya Mataji
had said: “Face all problems with fortitude. Bear all forms of insults, acts of
ingratitude and deprivation.” All these stated happening, lashing at me, once I
removed myself from the responsibilities of officialdom and while I was in the
process of being a “nobody”!
The next few years were ones that caused so much of external imbalance
that did hurt me deeply. However, I was also fortunate to be aware that in that
very process of uncertainties, a thin filament of dispassion, one-pointedness
and inner stability was getting solidified inside me. The potent words of Pujya
Mataji: “They will only strengthen you and prepare you well to pursue the
arduous Sadhana that you have chosen” were happily realised as prophetic! The
tragedy of it all was that those who were very close to me and were the
beneficiaries of my good disposition, all these years, turned the tables
against me! Yet, again, as assured by Pujya Mataji, she stood by my side
protecting me, in the form of a few remarkably dedicated, honest, helpful and
understanding friends who relentlessly extended their support to me, during
this unavoidable period of “the dark night of the soul”!
I am writing this truthful and dedicated account, about Pujya Mataji,
the Holy Mother, seated on the banks of Ganga Mataji, the universal Divine
Mother, who ever pours forth on seekers, Her Grace and Blessings, for the sole
purpose of which She came out of the Jadhamudi (matted-hair) of Lord Shiva!
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